chikyblonde's Diaryland Diary

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An Actually Entry!!

Ok, so at church last night we learned about how you really should stay in love with people and that in turn keeps you in the love of God (not saying that if you're mean to people God will strike you dead...I'd have been dead a LONG time ago). But anyway.

So I prayed this morning that God would help me to stay in love with others (not IN LOVE in love, but just compassionate, kind, everything I'm not).

Yeah, be careful what you pray for, you just might get it. Not that these situations are anything really out of the ordinary in this work environment but I'm noticing that I have the perfect opportunity to be down right ugly. And I need to make the conscience decision to NOT be ugly.

Because I'm tired of once again finding myself NOT making myself but rather, giving in to the emotions and attitudes of everyone else.

Examples:

1. I'm finding myself not overanalyzing a certain situation. I'm not pissy about it, I'm not 'heart-broken' over it. I miss them but at the same time, i am learning to stay in love. don't be selfish about the situation and just back up. That's the only thing I can do. Because I can't make myself miserable with false expectations anymore. Not saying I'm just going to ignore them or be a bitch about it. I just need to really learn to start putting others first, respecting their wishes, and not being so overbearing.

2. I know I've said this a million times already but this time...I'm serious. The drinking alone thing has to stop. After Friday night I took a good hard look at myself and i don't like what i become when i drink alone. Be careful with your words, somethings are just meant to not be said. And i know that. And I'm usually good at keeping my lips sewn shut. Until i drink. Yeah I guess that doesn't have much to do with staying in love with people but in a way, yes it does. Because when I drink, I don't care if hey, maybe that other person doesn't need to hear this right now or maybe I shouldn't be doing this, etc...i dont' stay in love with others. I do what feels good to ME. And I know...i know...i know that i know that i know...I am walking on a very thin line within myself, with family, with friends...and i can't do it anymore.

3. So today R was suppose to come in and cover the shift while me and bosslady go to lebanon for a meeting/lunch. I called R today to remind her and just very quickly, without thought, "Oh i can't. I have company coming in today." I mean it was a total excuse to not come. And I started to seeeeeethe. because it's hard to find someone to cover the phones and desk around here.

Got off the phone with her, told bosslady she suddenly can't make it, bosslady gets pissy and is like, "well then im not going." I'm like, okayyyy...you don't have to act this way. So I'm trying to find someone to watch the desk and she's like, "forget it. YOu go, I'm not." And that gave me another opportunity to realize, man, I'm letting people affect me again.

I am self-made. I have to be. I can't let myself be formed by the actions and attitudes of others. I say that in the sense of who i am isn't dictated by what others say about or towards me. Of course the relationships I have do form me in one way or another but i tend to let the negative aspect of others form me more than the positive.

Ok, so there's a new manager for the child company i work for (LPC is the parent company, OM is the child company). I don't have a good feeling about this guy.

I love intuition. I love that inner part of me that senses things others can't. I love my gut feeling.

It's kept me out of trouble, kept my mouth shut, it's warned me of things pertaining to other people, it's also blessed other people. But sometimes, I get a reeeeal sick feeling in my stomach that something is gonna happen. I can sense it now with this company. I can't explain it, I just know, deep in my gut, change is coming here. And I don't think it's a good thing. In fact, my chest tightens up, and i feel like I'm gonna have an anxiety attack when I pay attention to it. And i forgot how much of a gift this intuition is. and how i use to pray through it. And things would change. And I pray through it until i feel that weight on my chest lift...and I know He's heard, and something's gonna happen, for the better. And I sooooo should follow it more. And I WILL follow it more.

Bosslady said that the new guy doesn't like her, me, or R and wants us out of here fast. She doesn't think her and R are gonna have a job after everything's said and done. My bossman is moving me to Lebanon and that's fine with me. I'm soooo looking forward to the $2 raise.

I'm just coming to a point yet again in this journey of life where I really need to start getting over some things within myself. I want to do better.

9:37 a.m. - May 26, 2005

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