chikyblonde's Diaryland Diary

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Image Crisis

Once in a great while I go through personal image crisis. I don't know what causes them really. I just wake up one morning disgusted with my appearance so i start changing stuff.

hence the dye job. hence the overwhelming urge to sit in the chair and get some ink done. hence the reason I'm spending moolah on ebay today.

My self-image has dramatically improved over the course of this year. I do feel better about myself and more confident.

i have no idea where im going with this.

I want contacts. bad.
i want ink. bad.
im going to buy some more kickass tops. now. (like i need them. i got 3 yesterday from my bestest friend in the whole wide world whose either gonna have my babies or i'm having hers...i forgot which one i asked her yesterday ;P )

So Alex got a little jealous cuz i went out with Rosie last night drinkin'. She asked me like a million questions about what we did, what we talked about, what we drank, how late we stayed, on and on and on and on. And she told me she misses drinking with me and I'm like...duuuuuuuuude. (there's a 6 year difference in age. me being the older). My drinking has cut down like 90% since the beginning of the year. I really don't desire getting smashed, having disgusting, nasty, degrading guys hit on me, and then go home to cry myself to sleep cuz im totally wasted and lonely. Why do i attract stalkers?!

I don't have many gal friends. I don't have many that i share common interests in. I don't have many that understand and get me. I don't have many that have/are going through very similar situations I am and totally understand and give me good, real advice. I don't have many that I can be completely open and honest and bear my deepest darkest parts of my soul and know I won't get stabbed in the back for it. Rose fits into all said descriptions of what I value in a friend. Alex doesn't. i know this is sad to say but a big part of why i hang out with alex is cuz she pays for everything. Not that I'm using her (although in a way i guess i am). but im realizing this and deciding I don't want her to feel used or cheated so i step back for awhile

I really am a fickle person. it's like i'll talk to someone for awhile, hang out with them, whatever and then one day i'm like, why am i hanging out with you? And then i avoid them. Perhaps it's just because there are NO COOL PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN!!! Except Rose and A (not alex, but my old co-worker). I have no idea what I'd do with myself if i ever actually moved out of this town. It wouldn't be culture shock but i have a feeling i would sooo be a kid in a candy shop.

Maybe that's it....i feel stifled here sometimes. i don't wanna drive at least an hour to go to a REAL club or a REAL bar or go see a concert. I want a REAL mall where i can find the clothes i want rather than searching for them on ebay (although cloth shopping on ebay RAWKS and is fun when you have nothing else to do).

Perhaps i truly am a caged bird. which is funny because I've never known anything outside of this town really and lately, i just start seeing new things within myself and realizing i can't explore it further here.

Would I up and move two months from now? prolly not. I'm not that disgusted with my surroundings yet. But I'm starting to wonder if perhaps i have grown all that i can here. I don't want to be sheltered for the rest of my life. But ultimately, let's be honest here, i know God has me sheltered. He's got me here still for a reason. And Im fine with that. I know deep within myself I am suppose to stay here. I do enough outside of the will of God. It's my own reckening and I know He doesn't HATE me or gonna strike me dead for it. But does He get impatient with me? The only thing i truly miss is peace of mind. Granted sometiems i read through old stuff even when i was a bit more faithful in my walk and sure could be a big 'ol mess on the world's pretty dress....

But i think I've also gotten better about it. I'm more sensitive to when I'm going off the deep end. Before I had to be drowning in the ocean for me to finally relaize that oh crap, what am I doing?

I really have no idea where this came from. But it's been fun. I like contemplation. I like contemplation that doesn't make me wanna slit my wrists or crawl into the bottom of a bottle.

You scored as Stoner.

Stoner

69%

Punk/Rebel

56%

Drama nerd

38%

Goth

38%

Loner

25%

Ghetto gangsta

25%

Geek

6%

Prep/Jock/Cheerleader

0%

What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com

HAHAHHAHAHAHA! That's greeeeeeeaat. i totally was a stoner in school.

3:10 p.m. - June 29, 2005

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