chikyblonde's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lets-React-The-Opposite-Way Day Man.... I could NOT get out of bed this morning. Which isn't a good thing. I either toss and turn or I sleep too hard. No balance. Such is my life. But i discovered today that the gas station up the street SELLS MONSTER ENERGY!!!! Yay. I guess. Funny how something so trivial can make you think about another person. sigh whatever. I am emotionally shutting down for awhile. It's just better this way. Of course the more i fight what i feel, the more it takes control and consumes me until i give in, experience the emotion head on, and then let.it.go. So never mind, im not gonna emotionally shut down. Why can't i have balance? But you know something, i honestly have been thinking about how I've been feeling since i got home and I notice I'm not reacting the way i typically do to these situations. I'm chosing to react the opposite to how i usually do. i fall hard and i fall fast. And then i get pissy cuz they're not reacting the way i think they should and i had a bit of an epiphany yesterday....just because i feel one way for a person doesn't mean they have to feel the same. And of course, how realistic is it to think something else could come of this? I keep trying to ignore that. The fact of the matter is that there's 800+ miles between us. And then i have to wonder if the distance wasn't so much, could there be more? And i think back to that friday night and listening to the passion in your voice...the drive that was so evident in your face and in your body language....that music is your everything. And nothing can or will take it's place. But I know if two people really wanna make it work, they can. Rose and Danny are a perfect example of this. My "typical" reaction? I usually will totally disregard what i heard cuz it's not fitting what I want or I'll just totally get depressed. And I'll try to change either the person or the situation. But Im not going to do that this time. I've learned good and well through The Ex and The Bad Ex that I can't change anyone. I have to accept it, live with it, and drive on. I care too much to try and fuck things up because I'm not getting what I want. I'm actually putting the desires and needs of another in front of my own for once. And some will say, "Well, shouldn't he at least recognize your feelings and perhaps tend to them as well? Isn't it selfish of him to just disregard what your feeling for the sake of what he wants?" You know what my response is to that? I don't even know how I want my feelings tended to. He has a passion and a purpose for something real. Something tangible. I don't think I do. And that's kinda sad. And if i was to weigh which one is the most important; his music, or my feelings....i have to say and accept that his music is far more important. Becasue it's REAL passion. Feelings of infatuation and love fade. unless it's REAL. And I don't know if what I feel is real. I don't know if its just something birthed out of longing and loneliness. But I know my feelings, God knows my feelings. He knows my heart. He knows what's real in me, and whats infatuation. And last night, I was listening to this song Ordinary People and I completely broke down. It was like something deep inside me was just aching to come out. I'm really amazed at the level of maturity I'm gaining out of this. I have found more contentment and peace within the situation and myself by NOT trying to make something happen. Things always work better when you don't try and manipulate the situation the way YOU want it to go. And this is honestly the first time in my life where not only have i realized that, but also accepted it. And it's new to me. It's just my nature to make things work the way i want them to. But i refuse to act the way i typically do in situations like this. It's time to grow up. I usually drown myself in a bottle or meds to just numb me to the loneliness. You dont realize how numb you become to something until it has been awakened. I didn't realize how use to loneliness i got. Until i came home... And it's like when you're leg goes to sleep and then you move it and it starts waking up. It tingles, you have to move it around, massage it, give it attention to fully awaken it. Because it's not gonna just go back to sleep. And I don't want to fully awaken this. So I'm just going to lay here, cut it's life giving blood supply off by not paying any attention to it, and wait for it to fall asleep again. But I'm actually making healthy decisions through this period of detox. I'm not drinking or going out because i know that will lead to me having a breakdown and then calling you at 2 in the morning trashed, emotional, and well....that got old a LONG time ago. I'm not listening to depressing ass music because that just makes me miserable and well, it's not like you're gonna magically appear on my front door through my tears. Deosn't mean i don't feel it. I'm just not going to feed it. And no dead kittens. I don't know my whole reasoning behind that yet but i decided, no dead kittens. Unless you wanna help me kill them. hahahahahaha... Yeeees people, i fell off the wagon a long time ago. Dayum. Not being selfish kinda sucks. But, it's for the best. And who knows....only time will tell. only TIME will tell. You can't manipulate time. Can't make it go faster or slower. Time really is the test of all things. It's the one sure thing that never changes. I hope ya'll reading this don't think I'm all skitzo and overanalyzing this. Perhaps I am...but you know something, overanalyzing this would mean I keep dwelling over it. I have released this today and I'm going to do my best to not rehash it. I'm gonna download a bunch of music today. Finally got Devil Driver's self titled album (which *you're* right, i think i do like that one better than Fury.), downloading Bloodhound Gang cuz they're just cooooo. alriight. And also Mnemic, John Legend, and Shinedown. I'm hungry for new music. And I'm sleepin' till noon tomorrow. 8:26 a.m. - July 15, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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