chikyblonde's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dream & a Convo. Today was actually a pretty decent day. Which is a good thing. Perhaps this depression has finally lifted it's veil. But my face is breakin' out and that makes me wanna cry. So i had this weird ass dream last night. I was in this hospital with my sister and we were pushing this trash bin around. I found myself very weak and no longer able to push it so i told her to do it. Well, she was mouthing me and just had a bad attitude about it and I snapped at her and told her to just push the daggone thing. She continued copping an attitude and finally pushed it over and walked away. I started screaming at her and she just kept walking away. Suddenly I found myself in the throws of a complete panic attack, fall to the ground, and am just crying so hard I'm having convulsions. I remember in my dream i was thinking about everything going on in my life in real life. And this nurse walks by me and rushes to my aid. She croutches down next to me and says, "OH MY GOSH! You're in a complete depressive episode! We have to admit you into the hospital!" I then realize I'm wearing an army uniform and she's like, "Let me wrap you up in a blanket." I'm still crying hysterically while she puts a blanket on me and walks away to find more help. I then start thinking how I have to get out of the hospital because I couldn't call my mom to tell her i was being admitted for psych reasons and that she would have to pick up my sister. So I'm trying to gather myself together, still crying, and i get myself up and walk to the front of the hospital. I'm trying to avoid people because I'm afraid they'll recognize me and want me committed. I get to the front and this lady tells me I can't just leave. I have to go outside, sit in the taxi stop and wait for a cab to take me back to the barracks (she thinks I'm military becasue of the uniform). I agree simply to get out of the hospital. So i go to this taxi stop and push a button for a taxi to come get me. One shows up, picks me up, and then I wake up. Only when i actually woke up, i thought i was somewhere else, realized i wasn't, fell back asleep crying and continued the dream. REALLY. FRIGGIN. STRANGE. So I'm now in the taxi cab and I'm telling the guy to take me to my house. It's night out and it's raining and I'm really worried about getting wet. Suddenly I realize he's not taking me to my house, he's taking me on base and Im like, "Dude, where are you taking me?" And he tells me he's taking me to the barracks. But he was still taking me the wrong way and I remember seeing these HUGE rock formations on either side of the road. So I start having another episode in the cab and then the alarm clock wakes me up. I know that dream means something so I'm gonna do some research on it later. Went to dad's today to hang out with the bro and sis in law. That was fun. And then my stepmom asks me, "So was your trip really good? Did you enjoy yourself?" "Yeah, I really did. Alot. Thanks for asking." "You know, I didn't know if it was because you were on vacation, or if it was because of who you went to see but...when you'd call...you sounded really happy. Like you were really enjoying your time away. I can't remember the last time I heard such a pleasant tone in your voice." "Really?" "Yeah." "Oh. Ok. Well, yeah, i had a good time." "Good. And we're happy to see you safe." So then as I'm getting ready to leave, I'm sitting in my car waiting for the bro&sis to get in their truck and my step-mom comes up to my window. This woman knows when I'm going through stuff. I can't hide it from her. No matter how hard I try, she knows. Which is a blessing but also a curse at times. Because some things I'd just rather hide. "Nik, are you doing ok?" I was totally surprised at my response. If someone asked me that Friday, oh....emotional breakdown commence...but I felt none of that when she asked me today. "Well, at times, not really but I'll get over it. I'm doing far better than yesterday." "I can just tell things aren't pleasant. Are you happy to be home?" Dammit....how does she know these things EVERY SINGLE TIME. "Well, to be completely honest, not really. But I'm here and well...life goes on." "I figured something was up. Your tone of voice isn't happy anymore." Biting lip. "You know I always bounce out of these things. And I appreciate your concern." "Just give me a call if you need to talk." Then I leave. I finally finished laundry tonight, cleaned the house a bit, reorganized my dresser drawers cuz I tend to just shove stuff where there's space. Oh and I spent an hour in Wal-Hell today. I want to get an MP3 player but I think I'll be getting it off of ebay. So I managed to be there for an hour and walk out only with a pair of cargo pants, two cards, and a bottle of Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper which tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper but i like it anyway. I wish i could wear strapless shirts to work. the pants are brown and I have this sickass top that matches them to perfection but it's strapless so i can't wear it. I settle with a plain cream colored sleeveless shirt. And black flip flops. I'm gonna look SHWEEEEEET tomorrow. I'd look shweeeeter if i could wear the strapless. I sooooo wanna order some food tonight for dinner but i shouldn't. And dudes, i forgot how tiring depression can be. I seriously just want to sleep for days. curled up in my bed, with Mr. Elephant {smiles}, and my ear plugs in. I think I prolly should take down the room darkening shades. Cuz it's pitch black up in here. Or at least install them correctly instead of just stapling them up. I'm so ghetto. hahahahahaha. But you know what, I'm doing pretty darn good today. And I'm just gonna thank God for that one. hasta. 8:31 p.m. - July 17, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||