chikyblonde's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pretty Good feeling the desire to scream and tear at my skin, yet also wanting to curl up into a ball on the ground and cry. Confliciting emotions rage through battered thoughts. tossed about waves of confusion, disillusionment, dissatisfaction. Staring at the future that is so unknown, so confusing. and the tears build up, build up in the back of my eyes, yet fighting the desire to just release a tyrant of words, emotions, ecstasy. Finding myself repeating "Tie her up and make her what you want her to be" has led to dreams of distrust and fear. softly cutting into my skin, watching the blood flow while they laugh. they laugh at my insecurites, weakness, the garbage I thought i wallowed in for so long. Taunting visions haunt me in the most unusual places, piercing my skin with their slivers. draining me of all energy that was left to fight. hungry for satisfaction i have yet to attain, yet to find and hold. and pushing on has become something of a task left only for the strong stomached. Sitting on the side of the road, vomiting, feeling the burning in my throat as it reaches the surface, uncontrollable with no one to hold my hair or rub my back. "She plays the same song over and over in her ears, because it feeds her, it draws out of her something that cannot be described with words." walking around with clouded vision i stumble into obstacles that should be clearly seen. "And she craves attention she doesn't get enough of." I will sit in silence, watching all around move at a pace I can no longer keep up with. a lone figure on the sidewalk while others become something of a blur to my already distorted eyes. Alone with a cigarette in the side of my mouth i sit to contemplate my next move. "something stirs within her and she moans in satisfaction." And as the night falls, i lay on cold concrete staring into the starry sky, smoking drifting between her lips. "And she is lost in the memory." 10:19 a.m. - April 27, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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