chikyblonde's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for staying tuned When was the last time i wrote something meaningful outside of my usual bantor of how crappy of a day i was having? I find my daily entries have no real substance. No real purpose. Just casual ramblings about nothing that interests others. And then when i think of doing a real entry. I think of something that Cy wrote: "How many times must I sit in silent contemplation of things I cannot mention to anyone else? If they knew, would they think differently of me? Would they still sing their praises, as few as they are? Or would they curse me as often as possible? Of course they'd curse me...because understanding is something most of them cannot grasp...something they expect to receive but are hesitant to give." And sometimes I feel like a caged bird. Desperately wanting to break free, soar into the trees, and sing my heart out about whatever I feel. How is it that we get sooo caught up in wondering, worrying about what other people will think or say, that we choose to just shut down and silence the voices that inside are screaming for release. I sometimes wonder if I'm too concerned with gaining the approval of others that I stifle the very thing I know is ok. For example, I'm too concerned with that disapproving nod i received from my father last weekend, that everything i thought I had thati was doing ok, has now become a game of second-guessing. Which leads me to the previous mentioned quote: "because understanding is something most of them cannot grasp...something they expect to receive but are hesitant to give." It makes no difference what I say. I can talk to them until I'm blue in the face but they will not understand. yet they expect me to understand where they're coming from. I could write a thousands words explaining why my decision is right to me but it makes no difference. Because to them, I am foolish and irrational. Acting on impulse, emotion, and not seeing "The Big Picture". And it's that very mindset they have exhibited that will cause me to shut down. Will cause me to draw up under the shell I have built for years. The shell I thought I could finally discard. And move on with MY decisions. I have made my bed and I will lie in it. Whether that bed is soiled, dirty, disgusting. Or whether that bed is the most comfortable thing I have ever laid down in. I never thought that this would turn into an emotional, mental roller coaster that is slowly taking me up that first climb. And unfortunately, I can't see where the roller coaster is going. I don't know the turns, the dips, the curves. And perhaps that is what is scaring me the most. I don't know if i will squeal in pure delight as I tumble down that first decent. Or if i will stare in horror as I become detached from my seat. But even if i do become detacted, I have the ability to stare up to the stars in the skies, spread my arms, and fly. But there's still that nagging, old-natured desire in the back of my mind that is desperately searching the faces of all who i care about, needing to hear a word of encouragement. Needing to hear that "It's ok. Everything will be ok. No matter what, we'll make due." And I'm not finding that. This morning i was getting ready for work and listening to this one Christian group that I absolutely find to be amazing and this one particular song came on. And I found myself on my knees, crying, weeping, worshipping, praising, bathed in the presence of the Holy Spirit. And before I headed out the door I said, "God, I just need to know that everything is ok. That YOU ALONE approve of who I am, what I'm doing, what I'm seeking. And I need to know today." And although I don't totally agree with this statement, this is what came to mind right at this moment: "One can only wonder how much of their life they're wasting away wondering. Hoping. Pleading. Crying out to entities who quite plainly aren't listening, or were fictitious to begin with." *your* words speak to me in times i find i never expect them to. But then i think that perhaps His very presence this morning, as I kneeled in my skirt bawling out to Him, was enough proof that He does approve. And that it's ok. Everything will be ok. And no matter what, I will make due. And when God almighty Himself tells you all is well...then who cares what anyone else may think. I kinda wished I saved an IM convo I had with one of my LJ buddies today. Because the advice i find in someone who has gone through similar experiences, or who is older and all the more wiser, is a VERY valuable thing. When will i get to the point in my life where I no longer seek the approval of others. When what THEY think, what THEY say is no longer the driving force of who I am? "One can only wonder how much headspace people waste to worry, concern over popularity, who thinks what about them, catering to the demands and desires of others. Murdering themselves in so many different ways by merely trying to obtain the favor of a miniscule part of the sum. Usually, it's the useless part of that sum." I'm tired of living my life, making my decisions based on whether someone else is gonna approve. Whether they will find my actions to be acceptable to their standards. Because I am softly, silently killing myself with each decision I stifle because it doesn't match that of the sum of others. Not that I don't value their opinion or their objectivity. But I don't look at what they say as just a matter of opinion or objectivity. I look at it as gospel. And there's no other choice or recourse to take. Regardless of how I feel. I'm 27 years old for cryin' out loud. And perhaps that's another problem i have. I don't think of what others tell me as opinion or objectivity. I just simply take it as a matter of approval or disapproval. This must end. I must come to the point where i can take the opinion and objectivity of others, check within myself, see if it lines up. And if it doesn't...it must be discarded as useless. Not saying that sometimes it may be of great use and actually make me see things in a view i never saw before. But i must stop making the approval/disapproval of others gospel of MYlife. And if they refuse to see it as I do, knowing that my viewpoint is ok, it's right, it's acceptable, then the subject must become mute. Because I'm tired of this. I'm tired of living my life as a 13 year old needing daddy's approval to go to the movies on friday night. Who knew I'd gain some insight into myself through this. Who knew it would be used as a building block. But I am done. I am done worrying about the outcome. I'm done worrying, wondering if my parent's are gonna be pissed at me because of my actions, my decisions. Just be glad I'm not selling drugs again. Be glad my naked ass isn't swinging around a pole again. Be glad I'm not sitting around, wasting away in the cesspool of everyone else's toxicity. Be glad I'm not who i USE to be. And that I have a head on my shoulders. That yeah, i make some pretty funked up choices at times, but they PALE in comparison to the decisions I once made. Because MY health, MY sanity, MY welfare is more important to me, than those who would desire to kill me. Be glad I'm not taking a trip to prison again. Am I bitter? No. "This is where I drop everything and everyone and put my hand back out only to catch what bounces back up. Everything that either can't or won't bounce stays on the floor to be swept away." I wondered if i should put this last line in...simply considering the fact that those who give a damn will leave a note or a comment. And perhaps I will delete this line later but if you wanna share your opinions, experiences, sentiments, encouragements, sign the damn guestbook. If you made it this far. 11:00 p.m. - June 14, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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